The first shabbos without the queen.

First, read this essay: The Joys of Shabbos

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All the half-million holocaust survivors I was raised with, never shed a tear. 

I shudder at the thought of their constipated psyche. 

I cried twice in my life. 

First, under the wedding canopy where I was about to be branded at 18. 

I was veiled, so all they could do was hear me. 

The second time was the Friday evening as the sun set, when I had to light candles for shabbat, and the hostess asked me if two tea lights were enough. 

It was three days after being homeless, having been cast out from my house with the police. 

The tradition dictates that we light 2 candles for shabbat, plus one for each child. 

Hearing “is 2 enough(?)” I spontaneously combusted and bawled with volumes of boogers projected from the facial orifices. 

I wept in Zissy Feferkorn’s lap for the second half of the night. 

She knew not to pet me, and perhaps she didn’t know if I would bite her hand. 

Essentially, her support was centered around sticking pillows near my lower back and hip, shoulder and cheek. 

She focused on getting my physical body comfortable while my brain melted into a heap of lava and ash clouds with fireworks in them.

Consider watching my videos:

The Grape’s Plight

Life. You think you start out plump and juicy, but you lose that juice of tangy stupidity as you gain wisdom. While you trade the fluidity of youth for wrinkled, settled plans of action, you find yourself to be the product of that process.

In its early days, the grape must cluster together, thriving through the peers of its vine to learn how to survive. Not much use is there for a single grape in isolation, for its innards disappoint upon first application of pressure, leaving an empty casing of confusion. No purpose remains for its polished outward aesthetics. The raisin has its potential to impress in isolation, its mature character topping your expectations. Even if it is forcefully infused with warm liquid forays, it will plump up to comply. Never would it alter its confectionery centers or regress to its arrogant beginnings.

The raisin is a new being, sweet for what it is, resembling an age-old brain, complex and wrinkled to show its amassed worth. In that journey, the acidic repugnant tart character of its inexperienced grape evaporates. Thankfully, it is concentrated into a concrete lump of sweetness, willingly conforming to its shape of its circumstances. The plump boastful creature turns to a lean result-oriented product of purpose. The mature being does not regret the journey.

Vowalic Freedom

If America was truly a free country, we would also have vowalic freedom in language. People would write in acronyms, and the humans would rely on intellect and perception to form words to their liking. Of course, one might not appreciate the feedback they get when they intend to convey I LV U, and the reader interprets that as IS LIVING-IT UP.

Now, that might be too liberal to offer freely to the untrained world. So let’s just simplify it. Think immigrants. They learn to speak English in America, but they apply their lifelong accents to their words. If you take great pains not to laugh at them, but treasure the gift of humor in the situation, this can be fun. Think of how quickly a ‘shoemaker’ can become a ‘shmekker’ (Yiddish for stinker). Or how about “All American men are eunuch. Am I not saying it right… U-N-I-Q-U-E?” (credit: Miriam R.). In the end, we worry if they are getting proper medical care, if they tell their doctor, “I’m hevving trubble breeding”.

It’s all about vowalic freedom. If you can’t handle it, don’t surround yourself with diversity. You will end up being caught up with the American talk. “So um, like, you know, I was like, oh, my gawd”. If that is all you can handle, by all means, go for it. For me though, it makes me squeamish. Where does one go from there? Rapid death by linguistics. Immigrants, please join me. I want to be in your presence; for I too, am an immigrant, and ILVU.

Logic

Why kill two birds with one stone, when you can use an atomic bomb?

Love

So how can anyone really say they’re in love with a specific person, for example? They’re only in love with the anticipation of the emotions they’re addicted to.

On the subject of quantum physics, what is happening on the outside is only a result of what is initiated from the inside.  If you can believe that objects are not objects, and that molecules can be in different places at the same time, then you cannot trust reality for what you think it is.  If you are what you eat, then how come you eat your heart up when love forsakes you? The trick to life is not to be in the know, but to be in the mystery.

Chassidim And Divorce

Why chassidish divorces in the Jewish Community turn so ugly, so fast

For those of you in the ultra chassidish circles, you may understand this very quickly. Those of you who don’t understand, I hope to offer come clarity.

Girls usually are the second or third year on the job when they get engaged. They marry a boy who was flown home from Yeshiva specifically to get engaged. He then flies back to finish his zman (Talmudic Semester). The chasunah  (wedding) is scheduled so that he doesn’t break a zman, usually Yomim Tovim time (Holidays: Shavuos, Rosh Chodesh Nissan, After Sukkos, etc.).

Then the fun begins. They have learn each others names… and the next thing you know, she is throwing up in the morning as she rushes to go to her measly teaching job for $300 a week… he arrives to kollel (Rabbinical College) at 11:00. He compares the lunch that his new wife packed for him, with his ‘learning’ partners. He realizes that although she made fresh brownies for him, his friend has cantaloupe. It’s now her fault that his suit is now plotzing (exploding). At night, she moves the buttons over half an inch. He breathes easier. He is turned on by watching his ‘wife’ do mommy things, stuff his mother did when he was growing up.

She continues to throw up. He now learns that when she sends him an urgent text, it means that she needs to go to the doctor. He comes running. She gives birth. She is pressured to get clean quickly, she was taught that withholding him for any extra hour is wrong and not her wifely duty. She takes vitamins… anything, to get clean (see laws of family purity). Finally, nearly not making it, she goes to the mikvah at 5.5 weeks. She is throwing up again.

He gets turned on by watching her nurse the baby, because that’s what his mommy used to do. He gets mad that she is losing her milk and not able to nurse the baby efficiently. He is mad that she is supplementing with formula. Go to the lactation consultant, here’s $300. Go take vitamins, drink beer. Do something!

She feels miserable. Then she finds out that she never really got her period since the baby was born… and suddenly she throws up. Bam. Positive.

They consider getting the husband a job at B&H, because over there, they hire guys with accents who cannot read or write past first grade level. He says yes. She does all the phone calls for him. She gets him a job because her uncle works in the camera department…

He starts working there. Learns stuff about life. He begins to resent that she is working. He now feels manly. His self esteem has grown. He learns about which movie is good to watch. She is plotzing. He starts renting 24, CSI… all the shooting gory stuff. She is appalled.

She stays silent. Finally, when he stays overnight in Monticello with his friend Yitzchok on ‘business’ on some bungalow colony they might invest in for next summer… she calls the Rav (Rabbi) who gave him his chosson (groom) lessons before the chassunah. She tells the Rav that until this marriage is stabilized, she needs a heter (Rabbinical okay) for birth control. The Rav has a screaming fit, and yells at her for even thinking so dirty.

It takes ten more years and 3 or 6 children later until the relationship turns into a ‘if I don’t do his laundry and he doesn’t eat my food so that he doesn’t have to comment, I think I can survive another hour’. There is no longer any communication, no intimacy… and nobody knows! But the children get older, and they are now pre-teen. This one is failing yeshiva. That one is beating her classmates…. It’s misery. She does all the phone calls with the Rebbeim, teachers. He is now working 18 hours a day.

Finally, he gets a call from the Menahal (principal) at the Yeshiva – did you know your son is now doing much better with the tutor that your wife hired last year? HUH? WHAT? He gets mad that a “man’ was hired to do totty work, and he had no idea. They start fighting… it never ends. Every rav gets involved. Nobody can make peace anymore because of all this underlying tension. It’s a mess. This is not the straw that broke the camel’s back. There never was a camel. There is no foundation in a marriage like this. So when you add any tiny pressure, there is zero communication, no skills. It’s a dead end. There is nothing to build from.

The Chassidish boys are immature, not educated with any secular subjects, and have no self worth outside of Kollel. The girls are over skilled, overeducated. They become “mommy’ too quickly… and nobody knows anything about relationships, chemistry, intimacy, fostering communication. They turn to movies and get the wrong idea about romance.

For all of you out there sadly nodding your heads, my heart goes out to you. My suggestion to you – build your man. Make him a human being who has discovered a healthy outlet for the things he likes in life. If he loves nature, keep sending him for those hikes. Alone, if that’s how he likes it. I know a friend whose husband is obsessed with spreading nissim related to his donations to Kupat Hair… in his spare time, he loves going around collecting their pushkas. She lets him. Gosh, if it makes the guy happy, and if helps him feel like a man? Please, by all means. Let them become a happy person. And they will shine, and rise above it all. And exceed beyond your wildest imagination. I highly, and I mean highly, recommend the book, “The Five Love Languages”. Better yet, I have the 30 minute DVD and whoever watched it says, it saved their marriage.

You ask, why couldn’t I save my marriage? Unfortunately, mental illness cannot be incorporated into a marriage without treatment. Sad.

So now, with divorce – this is the saga. The men, who were told their entire lives – get married, have babies, do us proud… that is all they know, and that is all the aspire to. If their wife is not happy, they think that she is leaving him because SHE is not happy. They have no idea what role they played in the decline of this relationship. So it’s all her fault. Now, they must save face in their shul.

So they do one of two things. They spread stories that either she had a mental breakdown, or PPD, or BPD, or Depression… or, they tell people that she was sleeping around.

Then, they rally up the entire community to work with them. And then, when the courts hear that she is nebach so meshuga (they hear from neighbors, school teachers, her own friends…) the courts swiftly grant the husband’s custody. Hurray. Mission accomplished

I cannot tell you how many women have reached out to me, women who went through this cycle. The only thing we can do is NOT FIGHT BACK. You cannot fight this system, because the men will then find how to make you even more miserable. They will use the kids as the ultimate pawns in this war. Walk away, and they will find no reason to use the kids against you. Horrible, but true. If you want your kids to live in peace, somewhat, walk away! For those of you who haven’t been through this, may you never have to make that decision.

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Racing Thoughts

Racing thoughts feel like a car that flipped upside down in a pothole, yet the wheels keep spinning.

Autism And Divorce

Some men kill their wives, others steal the children

This was originally posted on my Autism Custody Battles Blog, and remains as the all-time most visited post.

Statistics show that abusive men who kill their wives do so after they have been separated or divorce. What about statistics of men who emotionally kill their wives off by robbing them of the very children they carried and nurtured since birth? There must be a special name for this type of murderers and this morning I set out to find out just what they are called.

Post-separation violence can take many forms, including physical or sexual assault, threats of physical abuse, stalking, harassment, and threats related to taking custody of the children or refusing child support.

Wikipedia on Domestic Violence: “Clinicians should not relax their vigilance after a battered wife leaves her husband, because some data suggest that the period immediately following a marital separation is the period of greatest risk for the women. Many men will stalk and batter their wives in an effort to get them to return or punish them for leaving. Initial assessments of the potential for violence in a marriage can be supplemented by standardized interviews and questionnaires, which have been reliable and valid aids in exploring marital violence more systematically.”

Then there is the case of The Obsessed Abuser, Family Violence Prevention Fund www.endabuse.org “He may make threats to kill himself or her if she leaves him, asks for a separation or divorce. He often says, “If I can’t have you, no one will.” This behavior may persevere months or years after a separation. His criminal record can include violations of protective orders or situations where he has disturbed the peace as he pursues or harasses his partner. However, some of these men have clean records – only the partner knows about his jealousy and possessiveness.”

Spouse Murder and Separation Violence – Finally, I found the official terms for these behaviors.

Men like O.J. Simpson, think they are the abused spouses are very dangerous during separation and divorce. In one study of spousal homicide, over half of the male defendants were separated from their victims. G.W. Bernard, H. Vera, M.I. Vera, and G. Newman, “Till Death Do Us Part: A Study of Spouse Murder,” Bulletin of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, 10 (1982).

Bristol, CT Police Department  has compiled some data:
Men, who believe they are entitled to relationship with battered women or that they “own” their female partner, view women’s departure as an ultimate betrayal which justifies retaliation. (Saudners & Browne, 1990; Dutton, 1988; Bernard el at, 1982)

Evidence of the gravity of separation violence is overwhelming.

Husband threatening to declare wife insane and threatening to take the children away:

In the book  The batterer as parent: addressing the impact of domestic violence on family It is common for batterers to threaten to take children away from the battered woman by proving her to be an unfit mother (Doyne et al., 1999). Threatened or actual litigation regarding custody or visitation can become a critical avenue for the batterer to maintain control after separation (Shepard, cited in Straus 1995).

For this reason, some lawyers advise women not to tell courts or mediators about child abuse or domestic abuse because, by doing so, they risk losing custody to the alleged abuser (“Custody Litigation,” 1988; Saccuzzo & Johnson, 2004).

Message to Victims that you will often see posted says:

REMEMBER, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Really? What can I do to get out this situation? You can only get out of it if you do something before this situation has exploded in your face.

In the News: Kimberly Smith was murdered in her Oconomowoc home Oct. 1 2009 during a custody battle.